That was not nice
.........no, it's not. That's why I'm glad I didn't say it. Darn drunks.
Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
.........no, it's not. That's why I'm glad I didn't say it. Darn drunks.
Two terrorists were in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class when one noticed the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I regret I can't," lamented the first terrorist. "It's permanently stuck in my butt."
"I don't understand," replied the other.
The first terrorist said, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man with a white beard and top hat, wearing an American flag came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
Verified by Brian Williams,
NBC news anchor.
He was there when it happened.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I regret I can't," lamented the first terrorist. "It's permanently stuck in my butt."
"I don't understand," replied the other.
The first terrorist said, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man with a white beard and top hat, wearing an American flag came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
Verified by Brian Williams,
NBC news anchor.
He was there when it happened.
Michael J.
Senior Member
Roll call for first day back to school in SE England.
Ahmed Al Sheria.
"here"
Mustafa Al Sheria.
"here'
Fatima El Bindri.
"here"
Ali Sun Al En.
Silence.
Ali Sun Al En.
Little girl in the back stands up , its pronounced Allison Allen for fuck sake.
Ahmed Al Sheria.
"here"
Mustafa Al Sheria.
"here'
Fatima El Bindri.
"here"
Ali Sun Al En.
Silence.
Ali Sun Al En.
Little girl in the back stands up , its pronounced Allison Allen for fuck sake.
Pun-ography
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on .
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on .
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Michael J.
Senior Member
Saw it on Facebook
Michael J.
Senior Member
Tech News
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia ’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nada, nil, nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia ’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nada, nil, nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”
nikonpup
Senior Member
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. "Oh my god, I'm sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back into its socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman offered to drive him home. "But it's over an hour out of your way," the man said. "Are you sure you don't mind?" "Not at all," she said. "I'm looking forward to it." The guy was amazed and flattered. "You know, you're the perfect woman," he said. "Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
A Man and His Ostrich
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
nikonpup
Senior Member
[h=1]A Blonde Groaner[/h] [h=4][/h] A guy walks in to a bar and sits down, just a few seats from him there is a very buxom blonde with huge size 42CC breasts.
The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them...
The bartender retrieves the glass and licks the beer off the blonde. Each time he calls for a beer, this happens. So after the third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs,he jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM.
He is laying on the floor moaning and groaning, "Jeez..then why do you let the bartender do it?"
Are you ready . . . .
here it comes . . . .
The blonde replies "Because he has a liquor license".
The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them...
The bartender retrieves the glass and licks the beer off the blonde. Each time he calls for a beer, this happens. So after the third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs,he jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM.
He is laying on the floor moaning and groaning, "Jeez..then why do you let the bartender do it?"
Are you ready . . . .
here it comes . . . .
The blonde replies "Because he has a liquor license".
Whiskeyman
Senior Member
Saw a bumper sticker today: "BEEF!!! The west wasn't won on salad."
WM
WM
Michael J.
Senior Member
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident.'
The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing 'That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!'
Confused the Husband explains 'Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving'
After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says 'How many is a Brazilion?'
The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing 'That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!'
Confused the Husband explains 'Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving'
After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says 'How many is a Brazilion?'
To Whom It May Concern:
Perks of reaching 60 or 70 !
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about
pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in
no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print
for your convenience.
And remember, Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Perks of reaching 60 or 70 !
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about
pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in
no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print
for your convenience.
And remember, Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!