Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

grandpaw

Senior Member
My Mommy, The Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her
class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up — teacher, nurse,
businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother,
He replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a club and
takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in
her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will
go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises
and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, “Is that
really true about your mother, dear?”

Nope,” the boy said, “She works for the Democratic National
Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be the next
President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids.”
 

paul04

Senior Member
A man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who on earth would be giving a lecture like that at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”
 

paul04

Senior Member
A rabbit came into a butchers shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No mate we're a butchers, we sell meat!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No, I told you yesterday, try the greengrocers next door!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
 

SteveL54

Senior Member
Ho Chow.jpg
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He promptly called the White House.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The conversation went like this:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Good morning. This is Barrack Obama . How might I help you?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Barrack, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Father O'Malley then replied:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."[/FONT]
 

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea ? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine ?"

Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says

"I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine ? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"




 

nikonpup

Senior Member
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Pad ?" she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ........she never got your e-mail!"
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
Wife or Girlfriend

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
 

Kevin H

Senior Member
I was in my local tavern the other day waiting for a beer when a butt ugly big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said "Hey sexy, I dig old fat guys - how about giving me your number?"

I looked at her and asked "have you got a pen?"

She said "I sure do!"

I said "well, you'd better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing!"

My dental surgery is slated for this Friday.
 

TedG954

Senior Member
She was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As She was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. she looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’






The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
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