Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Goose Hunting
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge
against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his foolish dog, Dawson knocked the gun over, it went
off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there
was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell, Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.
Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your
groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da birdshot."
"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to
your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony
Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you
vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge
against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his foolish dog, Dawson knocked the gun over, it went
off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there
was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell, Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.
Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your
groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da birdshot."
"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to
your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony
Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you
vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."
Daniel Aegerter
Senior Member
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
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The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
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Daniel Aegerter
Senior Member
There were three people ready to be executed by guillotine back in medieval days. A farmer; a blacksmith; and, an engineer. For whatever
reasons we don't know.
The first was brought up to the platform and the henchman ask if he had any last words. The farmer said yes, that he would like to say a
prayer. After kneeling down and praying, the henchman had him put his head through the opening in the guillotine and he pulled the chain. The blade came crashing down but stopped 2" from the man's neck. Everyone gasped and said for the henchman to let him go. This must be a sign from the gods. So, the guards let him go.
Next was the blacksmith's turn. After being asked if he had any last words, he too wanted to say a prayer. The same thing happened. When
the chain was pulled, the blade came crashing down and stopped 2" from the man's neck. For the same reason, the guards let him go too. And as did the farmer, he high-tailed it over the mountains.
Lastly, the engineer was brought up onto the platform. When the henchman asked him if he had any last words he said "no", but pointed
up to the top of the guillotine and said "there's a kink in the chain"
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reasons we don't know.
The first was brought up to the platform and the henchman ask if he had any last words. The farmer said yes, that he would like to say a
prayer. After kneeling down and praying, the henchman had him put his head through the opening in the guillotine and he pulled the chain. The blade came crashing down but stopped 2" from the man's neck. Everyone gasped and said for the henchman to let him go. This must be a sign from the gods. So, the guards let him go.
Next was the blacksmith's turn. After being asked if he had any last words, he too wanted to say a prayer. The same thing happened. When
the chain was pulled, the blade came crashing down and stopped 2" from the man's neck. For the same reason, the guards let him go too. And as did the farmer, he high-tailed it over the mountains.
Lastly, the engineer was brought up onto the platform. When the henchman asked him if he had any last words he said "no", but pointed
up to the top of the guillotine and said "there's a kink in the chain"
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Fortkentdad
Senior Member
stolen from a friends fb posting today
"It happened again today. We went to Joe's Bagel Cafe for breakfast, and there was an older couple devoutly bowing their heads over their meal. I thought, how nice on a Sunday morning. Then I noticed both of them were diddling with their I-phones."
"It happened again today. We went to Joe's Bagel Cafe for breakfast, and there was an older couple devoutly bowing their heads over their meal. I thought, how nice on a Sunday morning. Then I noticed both of them were diddling with their I-phones."
Beware of this latest Home Depot scam!
Over the last month a friend of mine became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. I checked this out at Snopes.com and it is for real. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, the 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. I hope my friend learned his lesson.
Over the last month a friend of mine became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. I checked this out at Snopes.com and it is for real. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, the 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. I hope my friend learned his lesson.
Us Southerners in Mississippi are smarter than you think!
Mule Trading
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville , MS
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1998.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
Mule Trading
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville , MS
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1998.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
