Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

P

pk63015

Senior Member
A firefighters wife was complaining that their sex life had lost it's spark, so the fireman said when he got home tonight he would yell 1st alarm and she was do stop what she was doing, he would yell 2nd alarm and she would run upstairs and disrobe, and 3rd alarm and she would jump into bed and be right behind her.

So sure enough when he came home 1st alarm she shut off the vacuum cleaner, 2nd alarm she tore off her clothes, 3rd alarm she jumped into bed and they were making mad passionate love.

All of a sudden the wife yells 4th Alarm, he says whats that? she says "More Hose, More Hose "
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1]H[SIZE=+1]earing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition.
After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.
The scientist can't believe his eyes.
"Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.
"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?
" "With my club," the primitive fellow answered.
"How big is your club?"
"Well, there are about 100 of us."

[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1][SIZE=+1]A[SIZE=+1]n older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead.
What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
 
D

Don Kuykendall_RIP

RIP :(
voting.jpg
 
S

SteveL54

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot]Beware of this latest Home Depot scam![/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Over the last month a friend of mine became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

I checked this out at Snopes.com and it is for real.



Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.



When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, the 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful. I hope my friend learned his lesson.[/FONT]
 
K

Kayla Harris

New member
Marcel said:
A monkey comes in a bar and asks: Do you have any bananas?

The bartender says: No we don't

Monkey: Do you have any bananas?

No we don't have bananas you stupid monkey.

Monkey: Are you sure you don't have any bananas?

Bartender gets under the bar, picks up a hammer that is there for a weapon and says: Now you stupid monkey, you ask me again if I have bananas and I'll nail both your hands on the bar.

Monkey asks: Do you have any nails?

Bartender: No, we DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS!

Monkey: Do you have any bananas.
Click to expand...

Haha, clever monkey!
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
An old farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
 
P

pk63015

Senior Member
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.
“Vell,” said the old guy, “vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky.”
“For the benefit of our viewers,” interrupted the reporter, “we should explain that the term ‘fokker’ refers to a specific type of German fighter plane.”
“Vell ya,” said the old Scandianvian pilot, “but those fokkers were Messerschmitt’s.”
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica][h=2]Historic Custer battle[/h] The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"

Pravda: "Big Red Victory."

Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"

Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"

Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"

The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"[/FONT]
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Definitions
[FONT=&quot]Here’s one worth remembering[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]There's an annual contest at Bond University , Australia , calling for the appropriate definition of a contemporary term.[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]This year's chosen term was "Political Correctness"[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]The winning student wrote[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]promoted[/FONT][FONT=&quot] by mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]to[/FONT][FONT=&quot] pick up a piece of sh1t by the clean end."[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big breasts


When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big breasts.


 
F

Fortkentdad

Senior Member
There was once a Rescue Mission down by skid row, complete with one of those neon cross signs that flashed "Jesus Saves".
Times changed and the neighbourhood became more upscale as old warehouses were converted to yuppie condos and the city cleaned up the streets. Eventually a bank bought the land and demolished the Rescue Mission and built a nice new bank building.
Their motto? "Come and put your money where Jesus Saved".

:)
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
WHEN IS THE F WORD ACCEPTABLE?




There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.



They are as follows:



10. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912






9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945







8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877






7. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938




6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926




5. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC







4. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?”

-- Michelangelo, 1566






3. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937




2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC




1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998
 
Whiskeyman

Whiskeyman

Senior Member
Before the match, the wrestler's manager went over strategy, ending with the advice, "Whatever you do, don't let him get you in the German Pretzel Hold!! Nobody can get out of that hold, and if he gets you in it, the match is lost."

So the wrestler fights for almost the entire match, but as the final bell was approaching, you guessed it, he fell victim to the German Pretzel Hold!!!

His manager threw in the towel, and turned away, only to hear the crowd erupt and the final bell ring. He looked back into the ring and couldn't believe what he saw; his wrestler, with his fist held aloft by the referee as the champion and the other wrestler on the mat, looking bewildered.

The manager spryly jumped into the ring, and ran over and gave his wrestler a big hug and asked him how he had gotten out of such a impossible hold and won. His wrestler replied "Well, the whole time I was remembering what you said at the start of the match, only to slip up there and end up in that German Hold. While I was laying there, and hurting so, much, i looked up and saw his balls dangling right in front of my face. So I figured, what the hell, I've lost, I'm going to bite this SOB!!!

"What happended after that?" cried the manager.

"I bit them" said the wrestler, matter of factly.

"And then?" ask the manager.

"Well," said the wrestler, "you get really mean what you with your own balls like that!!!!"
 
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