Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
This one is for my Ozzie mates.
Two neighbours in a dispute. Very humorous
I Wish This Guy Was My Neighbor... He's Hilarious! - quickmeme
Two neighbours in a dispute. Very humorous
I Wish This Guy Was My Neighbor... He's Hilarious! - quickmeme
nikonpup
Senior Member
Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:
ATD� At the
doctor's
* BFF � Best friends
funeral
BTW � Bring the
Wheelchair
BYOT� Bring Your Own
Teeth
* CBM- Covered by
Medicare
* CUATSC �See You at the Senior
Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW -
Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery
Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good
Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures
Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry,
Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I
Talking To?
Hope these help
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative
Kicking in!)
ATD� At the
doctor's
* BFF � Best friends
funeral
BTW � Bring the
Wheelchair
BYOT� Bring Your Own
Teeth
* CBM- Covered by
Medicare
* CUATSC �See You at the Senior
Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW -
Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery
Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good
Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures
Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry,
Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I
Talking To?
Hope these help
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative
Kicking in!)
Last edited:
Mike and Tony are gentlemen in their fifties. They spent better part of their lives being best friends (ever since their school days, and later as colleagues working for the same company). Now, Mike is a widower and he has a 19 years old daughter, whereas Tony is a bachelor. Mike is about to go abroad for a month or two, and he asks Tony to take care of his daughter while he is absent ("my good old buddy, I don't have to tell you about the dangers threatening young girls these days, do I?"). Tony agrees, no problem, he's gonna take care of her. After some time, Mike is returning home, only to find out that his baby got engaged to Tony, and the freshly formed couple already lives in Mike's house. Mike enters the front yard, bursting with anger, but the girl is hurrying to meet him, her arms stretched, eyes full of tears, crying: "Oh, papa!". Behind her, Tony appears, arms stretched, big smile on his face, saying: "Oh, papa!"
Last edited:
nikonpup
Senior Member
I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.
nikonpup
Senior Member
OXYMORONS:1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands"
When they are made for sitting?
a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands"
When they are made for sitting?
nikonpup
Senior Member
CONTINUED: 
11. Why is it called "after dark" When it really is "after light"?
12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?
17.. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular
And panties plural?
11. Why is it called "after dark" When it really is "after light"?12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?
17.. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular
And panties plural?
nikonpup
Senior Member
21.. Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
25.. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?
27. Christmas
- What other time of the year
Do you sit in front of a dead tree
And eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway
And park on a driveway?
I dunno, why do we?
When you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
25.. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?
27. Christmas
- What other time of the year
Do you sit in front of a dead tree
And eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway
And park on a driveway?
I dunno, why do we?
nikonpup
Senior Member
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low-down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em,
Hug'em and Pamper'em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the
will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
Well here is the low-down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em,
Hug'em and Pamper'em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the
will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
Michael J.
Senior Member
My wife asked me to try and see things from a woman's point of view.
So I looked out of the kitchen window.
So I looked out of the kitchen window.
nikonpup
Senior Member
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."