Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.


He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."


The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
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D

Don Kuykendall_RIP

RIP :(
Stewart and his wife Penny celebrating fortieth years together. Their three children,all very successful, all agreed to a Saturday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad” gushed son number one Marc, a cardiologist, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know the rules, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Do not worry son! ” said Stewart, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”
Son number two Jamie, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Dad look great Mom”. I just flew in from Chicago between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.
“Do not worry son!,” said Penny. “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter Eliza,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they finished dinner, Stewart said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. But we worked hard, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three children were bewildered and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yes,” said Stewart, “and cheap ones too!”
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.

The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what’s happening.

“You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell.”

“Ok,” the man says. “Well, for a while I’d been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I’d leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn’t find him.

Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn’t let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

“Wow!” St. Peter said. “That really is bad! You can go ahead…”

The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story.

“Ok,” the second man said. “So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every day I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me.”

“Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn’t enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I’m here.”

“Wow, that’s a good one too! You can go ahead…”

The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.

“Ok,” the third man said. “I don’t know what happened. I was hiding naked inside this refrigerator…”
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
A man who drives big-rigs for a living takes up a hobby to entertain himself; when ever he sees a lawyer on the side of the road he swerves and hits him. Well, one day he is driving along and he sees a preacher and he pulls over to give him a ride.On the way, he sees a lawyer out of the corner of his eye and swerves to hit him, at the last second, he thinks, “Oh god! there is a preacher in the cab!” and pulls back on the road he hears a thump looks in the rear view mirror and there is nothing. He turns to the preacher and says, “I’m sorry, father I almost hit that lawyer.”The preacher turns and says, “That’s ok I got him with the door!”​
 
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