Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

TedG954

Senior Member
A man in a bar walks into the bathroom and sees a rat on a canoe floating on the toilet.

Amazed, the man says, "How long have you been floating there?"

With a bewildered look in his eye, the rat responds, "Many Moons!"
 

TedG954

Senior Member
A man walk's into a psychiatrist's office screaming, "I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee!"

The psychiatrist says, "Relax! You're two tents."
 
How many photographers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Six. One to climb the ladder and change the bulb, and five to stand around the ladder and say "I could've done that".

b: Six. One to climb the ladder and five to argue over the appropriate color temperature.
 

Marcel

Happily retired
Staff member
A monkey comes in a bar and asks: Do you have any bananas?

The bartender says: No we don't

Monkey: Do you have any bananas?

No we don't have bananas you stupid monkey.

Monkey: Are you sure you don't have any bananas?

Bartender gets under the bar, picks up a hammer that is there for a weapon and says: Now you stupid monkey, you ask me again if I have bananas and I'll nail both your hands on the bar.

Monkey asks: Do you have any nails?

Bartender: No, we DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS!

Monkey: Do you have any bananas.
 

TedG954

Senior Member
A Conversation in Heaven

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 

AC016

Senior Member
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head, are talking amongst themselves about sex.

The brunette says, "I heard if you have sex lying down, you will have a baby boy!"

The red head states, "Well, i heard that if you are on top, you will have a baby girl!"

The blonde looks at both of them with some worry and says, "Does that mean i will have puppies!?"
 

AC016

Senior Member
During WWII, a B17 is shot down over germany and the crew is taken prisoner. The navigator, upon his landing after parachuting out of the airplane, breaks both his legs and one arm.

After a few weeks, one of his legs becomes infected. Therefore, he asks for it to be cut it off. After the amputation, the navigator asks the Gestapo to send his leg back home to his base. They agree and do it.

A few weeks later, they have to do the same to his other leg. Once again, he asks them to send his leg back home to his base. They comply.

Another week later, his arm gets infected and he asks for them to amputate again. They say, "Nein!! we can no longer do this for you!"

THe navigator is a bit perplexed and asks, "why?"

They reply, "Because, we think you are trying to escape!"
 

TedG954

Senior Member
Q Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?

A He wanted to get a long little doggy.




Q What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A Make me one with everything.



Q Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

A Because if they had 4 doors they'd be chicken sedans.
 
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How do you tell if some one is a real photographer? You ask them to answer this question. Suppose you were walking through the woods and you came upon a clearing. In that clearing is a lake and in the lake is a man is obviously drowning. Now you only have time to do one of the following - save his life or take a photo. Now here's the question. Which lens should you use?

Two photographers walking along a street and they pass a beggar sitting with his hat up-ended on the pavement, begging for money. One guy keeps walking. The other stops. Later when they catch up with each other the first guy says to the other. "Hey I saw you stop for that beggar. What did you give him?"

"Oh" says the first guy, "1/125th at f5.6"
 

TedG954

Senior Member
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded some dough.
 

TedG954

Senior Member
Yesterday my niece again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.


She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.


--
 

Horoscope Fish

Senior Member
A mushroom walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms. You're going to have leave now."

The mushroom, looking all dejected, says, "Come on barkeep, I'm a fungi!"
 

TedG954

Senior Member
At a bar in New York, a Frenchman, beret and all, walks in with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender looks at the Frenchman with the parrot on his shoulder and says, "Where did you get that thing?"

The parrot looks right back at him and says, "In Montreal. They're everywhere!"

:nonchalance:
 
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