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<blockquote data-quote="nikonpup" data-source="post: 201179" data-attributes="member: 9922"><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"> As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I can no longer open a bathroom door </strong>without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread </strong>because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I have trouble shaking hands </strong>with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because</strong> I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I can't touch any woman's handbag </strong>for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I must send my special thanks </strong>for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>ALSO,</strong>now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I can't have a drink in a bar </strong>because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I can't eat at KFC </strong>because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I can't use cancer-causing deodorants </strong>even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>Thanks to you </strong>I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>Because of your concern,</strong>I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I no longer buy </strong>fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I no longer use Cling Wrap </strong>in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>And thanks for letting me know </strong>I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I no longer go to the cinema </strong>because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I no longer go to shopping centers </strong>because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.. And <strong>I no longer answer the phone because </strong>someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>Thanks to you </strong>I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>And thanks to your great advice </strong>I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.<strong></strong></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong></strong></span></strong></p><p> <strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"><strong>I can't do any gardening </strong>because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family: 'comic sans ms'"></span></strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="nikonpup, post: 201179, member: 9922"] [B][FONT=comic sans ms] As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.[B] I can no longer open a bathroom door [/B]without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.[B] I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread [/B]because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.[B] I have trouble shaking hands [/B]with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.[B] Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because[/B] I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.[B] I can't touch any woman's handbag [/B]for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.[B] I must send my special thanks [/B]for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.[B] ALSO,[/B]now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.[B] I can't have a drink in a bar [/B]because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.[B] I can't eat at KFC [/B]because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.[B] I can't use cancer-causing deodorants [/B]even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.[B] Thanks to you [/B]I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.[B] Because of your concern,[/B]I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.[B] I no longer buy [/B]fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.[B] I no longer use Cling Wrap [/B]in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.[B] And thanks for letting me know [/B]I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.[B] I no longer go to the cinema [/B]because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.[B] I no longer go to shopping centers [/B]because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.. And [B]I no longer answer the phone because [/B]someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..[B] Thanks to you [/B]I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.[B] And thanks to your great advice [/B]I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.[B] I can't do any gardening [/B]because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. [/FONT][/B] [/QUOTE]
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