Thats a rough way to start out with your new to you camera. Sorry. Did the camera function normally before you went into the menu and made some changes? If there is no way to get back into the menu, all the buttons dont seem to do what they're supposed to do, it seems to me you are a few button clicks away from having a new to you paperweight. Was there any kind of warranty that came with it? Try to troubleshoot a few things. Are there any sticky buttons? The camera might be receiving multiple commands if so. Are all the contacts clean? The camera might be getting a jammed or incomplete signal from somewhere. Is the battery fully charged and the contacts on the battery clean? Inside the battery compartment, do the pins look straight? If all other attempts fail, you might want to try to do a firmware update. That might wake up the camera, but in order to apply it, you would need to somehow access the menu, (caution! this might brick your camera. Only do it as a final last resort, just before throwing it against the wall. If you dont follow the firmware directions exactly, it can brick the camera. This may include holding buttons down). If you hold the side button on the front of the camera that mysteriously puts the camera right, can you continue to hold that button and access the menu? Is there a camera store near you that services cameras? Sending it off to Nikon for repair might cost more than a new second hand D700. Fingers crossed for ya, let us know what you come up with.