Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
nikonpup
Senior Member
[h=3]Ficticious Characters[/h]
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
Rexer John
Senior Member
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nikonpup
Senior Member
Why do elves make good listerners? They are all ears.
Why do elves make good house guests?
They only stay for a short tIme.
What is an elf's favorite sport?
Miniature golf.
When will an elf arrive?
He will arrive shortly.
What is an elf's favorite Christmas Carol?
Have yourself a merry, little Christmas.
Why was the elf mad?
Santa shorted him on his paycheck.
Why do elves make good house guests?
They only stay for a short tIme.
What is an elf's favorite sport?
Miniature golf.
When will an elf arrive?
He will arrive shortly.
What is an elf's favorite Christmas Carol?
Have yourself a merry, little Christmas.
Why was the elf mad?
Santa shorted him on his paycheck.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
> 'How long before I can get a haircut?
>
> The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
> The guy left.
>
> A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
> 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
>
> The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
> The guy left.
>
> A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
> 'How long before I can get a haircut?
>
> The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
> The guy left.
>
> The barber turned to his friend and said,
> 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.
> He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.
>
> A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
> The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
> Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
> 'Your house!
> 'How long before I can get a haircut?
>
> The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
> The guy left.
>
> A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
> 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
>
> The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
> The guy left.
>
> A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
> 'How long before I can get a haircut?
>
> The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
> The guy left.
>
> The barber turned to his friend and said,
> 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.
> He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.
>
> A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
> The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
> Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
> 'Your house!
nikonpup
Senior Member
What Do You Have?
There was a Cowboy that walked in to a bar, and ask for ten shots of Whiskey,
drank the first five shots real fast, the bartender ask him why he did that?
He said I can do that if you have what I have.
Then he drunk the other five just as fast as the first five.
And the bartender told him not to do that.
he said you can if you have what I have.
so the Bartender asked him what do you have?
and the Cowboy said.
"Only fifty cents"
There was a Cowboy that walked in to a bar, and ask for ten shots of Whiskey,
drank the first five shots real fast, the bartender ask him why he did that?
He said I can do that if you have what I have.
Then he drunk the other five just as fast as the first five.
And the bartender told him not to do that.
he said you can if you have what I have.
so the Bartender asked him what do you have?
and the Cowboy said.
"Only fifty cents"
nikonpup
Senior Member
Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
^^^^^^^ unbelieveable
My wife teaches English at the local high school. Believe it.
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
A fellow I knew came to me one day all excited about his upcoming trip to the American West. he was looking forward to meeting some real cowboys.
So I kinda took him in hand and told him that he could probably meet some in a local bar. He could recognize them by their jeans, rough hands and dusty boots. But how could I get to know them, he asked.
So I said just ask them if you are a cowboy? if they answer yes, you should walk right up and shake their hands and say " golly I am so glad to meet you. I know all about cowboys. I have watched Brokeback Mountain three times."
Come to think on it though and I can't say I know how this came out, because he hasn't been around in some time.
So I kinda took him in hand and told him that he could probably meet some in a local bar. He could recognize them by their jeans, rough hands and dusty boots. But how could I get to know them, he asked.
So I said just ask them if you are a cowboy? if they answer yes, you should walk right up and shake their hands and say " golly I am so glad to meet you. I know all about cowboys. I have watched Brokeback Mountain three times."
Come to think on it though and I can't say I know how this came out, because he hasn't been around in some time.
Michael J.
Senior Member
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
Michael J.
Senior Member
David Beckham gets into a taxi and notices the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.
After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you thick bastard. Where do you want to go?”
After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you thick bastard. Where do you want to go?”
Whiskeyman
Senior Member
What you learn living in the South:
| A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. |
| There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 of them live in the South. |
| There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before. |
| If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. |
| Onced and Twiced are words. |
| It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! |
| Jaw-P? means Did y’all go to the bathroom? |
| People actually grow and eat okra. |
| Fixinta is one word. It means I’m preparing to do that. |
| There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper. |
| Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. |
| Backwards ‘n forwards means I know everything about you. |
| The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?” |
| You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see. |
| You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em. |
| Nodejew? is a common response to the question, Did you bring any beer? |
| You measure distance in minutes. |
| You switch from heat to A/C in the same day. |
| All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. |
| You know what a dawg is. |
| You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. |
| You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup. |
| The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip. |
| You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. |
| You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm. |
| You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas. |
| Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin’ Wal-Martin or off to Wally World. |
| You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. |
| Fried catfish is the other white meat. |
| We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit. |
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