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  1. #2921
    Senior Member
    singlerosa's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
    Quote Originally Posted by mikew View Post
    Didn't see it at all until I read the text 5 minutes later.


    › See More: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
    Thanks/Like mikew, Patrick Molloy, gustafson, radioman42001 Thanks/liked this post
     

    Jim Singler - D750 & D7200; 14-24 2.8, 24-70 2.8, 24-120 VRII, 70-200 2.8 VRII, 70-300 VR, 200-500 VR, 50 1.4D, 85 1.8G, Tokina 100 2.8; 3 SB-800s, SB-500




  2. #2922
    Staff
    Super Mod
    Don Kuykendall's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    f your drinking something, swallow before reading this.
    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
    The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
    If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
    Time stood still.
    My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
    1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
    4 - My left eye will not open.
    5 - My right eye will not close.
    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
    7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
    Thanks/Like pk63015, gustafson, Blade Canyon Thanks/liked this post
     

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  3. #2923
    Staff
    Super Mod
    Don Kuykendall's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.


    ================================================== ============================
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  4. #2924
    Staff
    Super Mod
    Don Kuykendall's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.-21740672_10214238213455356_2527205958828362407_n.jpg
    Thanks/Like mikew, JH Foto, ryan20fun, Kevin H Thanks/liked this post
     

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  5. #2925
    Senior Member
    mikew's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
    Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.-nailedit2.jpg
    Thanks/Like Blade Canyon Thanks/liked this post
     
    Mike

    Nikon D500,Sigma 100-400,Sigma 105 macro

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  6. #2926
    Senior Member
    mikew's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
    Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.-21730953_1703740092990620_7926151828794248933_n.jpg
    Thanks/Like JH Foto Thanks/liked this post
     
    Mike

    Nikon D500,Sigma 100-400,Sigma 105 macro

    Nikon 1 V2,FT-1,10-30mm 30-110mm Viltrox extension tubes

    Olympus EM10 MK11,14-42,40-150








  7. #2927
    Senior Member
    JH Foto's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
    -
    Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.



    Thanks/Like Big E Thanks/liked this post
     
    I have an advanced degree in procrastination and another one in paranoia.

  8. #2928
    Staff
    Super Mod
    Don Kuykendall's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Husband decides he’s going to be “the man of the house” but his wife has other plans




    A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”
    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.
    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.
    Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
    Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
    The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
    Thanks/Like gustafson, mikew, Daniel Aegerter, Blade Canyon, Big E Thanks/liked this post
     

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  9. #2929
    Staff
    Super Mod
    Don Kuykendall's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.-21731599_1506443329423984_4909255951386058382_o.jpg
    Thanks/Like pnomanikon, ryan20fun, gustafson Thanks/liked this post
     

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  10. #2930
    Staff
    Super Mod
    Don Kuykendall's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
    front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
     

    ================================================== ============================
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