Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

A police officer stops a woman who appears to be in her 80's, for running a stop sign. After getting her license, registration and insurance, he says 'This may seem unnecessary but it's standard procedure to ask if you have any weapons'.
The elderly lady pulls out a derringer. The cop is shocked, when she says 'Hold on'; she then takes out a 357 magnum, a set of brass knuckles, a shotgun and a can of mace.
The officer asks, 'Ma'am, just what are you afraid of?'
The senior responds, 'Not a goddamn thing!'

SOME HUMOR FROM THE DAYS OF 2 LANE ROADS.
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMASHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
BurmaShave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
BurmaShave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
BurmaShave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
BurmaShave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
BurmaShave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
BurmaShave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
BurmaShave

THEMIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
BurmaShave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
BurmaShave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
BurmaShave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
BurmaShave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
BurmaShave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
BurmaShave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
BurmaShave
and my personal favorite:

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
BurmaShave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW

I just shiX my pants!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=I03UmJbK0lA

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body,
I've devised the following:

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make Mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them

What a Workout!! Rest At Last!!